A Crossroads Passed
29 August 2005 22:04:48
“Organized religion has domesticated the Crucified Lord of Glory”
- Brennan Manning,
The Signature of Jesus
I’ve read the book at least three times, and every time I still find things that amazing me. Lately, I feel that God has been bringing me to a significant crossroads in my life. A place of decision so great that it literally affects the rest of my life here on earth. Over the past three years or so, through a series of events that caused me to walk away from the organized church, I have been drawn to consider what is most important in this life. Not so much what is important as in Absolutes (I know that Christ died for me, and that in order to truly be alive, I must surrender myself to him), but I feel that God is asking me how committed I am to him.
Take for example, simple desires and goals in life like having a nice car and other nice things. There is in no way anything wrong with those desires. I certainly have them. But God has been asking me if I am willing to surrender that for him. Am I willing to say that I really don’t need nice things in the world if I can just serve him with all of me? Am I willing to say that I don’t drink alcohol for no other reason than my God, my lover, has asked me not to? He doesn’t so much care if I do, but if I don’t, how much more does this show him that I love him and show the world that I love him. Either way I am still a Christian, and for many people there is no conviction at all for either of these two examples.
I feel much the same way as the rich young ruler in Mark 10. On other occasions in the Bible Jesus accepts sinners who only need to give up half, or even less of their “worldliness” to come and follow him. But for this one young man, in this one instance, Jesus, in complete love, asks for everything. Not just a part, but everything the rich young man has. America is rich. I am rich. I am being asked to surrender everything I value in this life for something that is beyond worth. Others may not be required to surrender everything; God has a way for each of us that I cannot understand. But for me, it must be everything.
Throughout this period of questioning, I have been more or less letting God know that I love him, and I will believe him and I will serve him, but I still want to hang on to a few things in life of my own. I still want to be able to amass a collection of toys here in this world, I still want a bit of freedom to do as I please. I still want to enjoy the great things he has placed here on this earth for us to enjoy. This dichotomy has lead to a period of intense emptiness in my heart. I have quite literally been trying to please two lovers (myself and my god). Instead of having twice the fulfillment, I’ve been left lonelier than ever. I’ve been left wondering if this great God actually even loves me at all. I find it sadistically funny how my humanity causes me to question the one thing verifiably true. How simple it is for my own mind to twist my errors into an error on behalf of the only one who cannot.
Tonight the crossroads has been passed. I am committed. I cannot walk a life of half-hearted dedication. I must give myself completely to him who loved me first. I will fall. I will not be perfect tomorrow, but here is my pledge: I will serve Him alone.
